My friend, Seth, told me about his view on love a year ago, in a period when I was searching for explanations about why relationships happen the way they do. What he says is worth reading so I am republishing this article, which was first published on my old blog (now closed).
I am a retired medical scientist, so my POV on the world is a bit different than most. Sometimes when it falls to me to explain something, I use the training and experiences I’ve had in my life.
I have a young Romanian friend who is married and has a growing two and a half year old daughter. At one point early in her relationship she was having a lot of difficulty adjusting to her partner, as was he also. Even though they had created their beautiful daughter, together. She was ready to leave him, and told me so. As a result of our conversations and her tears I wrote this:
Principles of Human Relations
First Principle: “You do not get to choose love”. You’ve got what you’ve got…you really didn’t “choose” your baby, yet you KNOW you will love her forever. Correct? Let’s get even more sensual. When she nuzzles up to you, you can FEEL the pleasurable effect of your “milk let down”. You don’t choose this, it happens, as a result of “the experience”, and your “biochemistry”. Why shouldn’t similar things happen between men and women? NOOO silly not milk let down! I mean a “reaction” that releases oxytocin. You see a guy, and stuff either happens, or it doesn’t. Right? And over a period of time with repeated “exposure” and “experiences”, if you are wise, you recognize “you love”.
Second Principle: “Love never goes away”. Your baby poops on you, vomits on you, pees on you, screams and cries at you. How much different if a man lies to you, or cheats on your relationship. It HURTS because you wish they wouldn’t but you STILL LOVE!
Third Principle: “You don’t choose how you feel, but you ALWAYS choose what you DO!” You CAN put your baby up for adoption (perish the thought), and you can leave that guy. BUT you still will LOVE. You in fact love everyone you ever loved, it doesn’t go away. You can slap his face, scream, and cry. But you still love. You can do the same with your baby, but you still love. There are Pathological Acts, as well as Thoughts.
Fourth Principle: “You cannot control others, what they feel or what they do.”
You can “manipulate” others, but not “control” them. People and things tend to do the unexpected, when it is least expected. You can hide the red scarf from the bull, but he may charge you anyway. You can wave the red scarf in front of the bull, but he may be sleeping. It’s the same with people. SOMETIMES you can get them to do things in expected ways…but not always.
Fifth Principle: “You don’t own anyone, but all your loves own you.”
You may have some control of things and people (as above) but they exert an influence over what you do, or do not do. Your car owns you, not the reverse. And so Your loved one owns you, you don’t own them.
Sixth Principle “Love ALWAYS hurts“!!! No escape. If you love something or someone, it/they will inevitably hurt or disappoint you, or ignore you, or be destroyed, or die, or get sick, or wear out, its just a matter of time, until some eventuality befalls you and or them/it.
Seth Malovany MT AMT